I n one of the most inane articles I have read in a long time — yes, even more inane than this one pertaining to what your airplane seat choice says about you, about which I added my own thoughts and comments here — 25 pick-up lines are offered which you can purportedly use to potentially “break the ice” with someone to whom you are attracted.
Here are those 25 pick-up lines — as well as my comments:
- “Can I buy you a drink?” Or order one without asking him or her. What if the person does not drink alcoholic beverages — like me, for example — or is allergic to alcohol?
- “Are you traveling alone?” That might be met with another line: “No — I am traveling with several men six feet four inches tall and 250 pounds who have won world championship weightlifting titles, wrestling matches and boxing fights.” Or, perhaps the other person may respond with “No — but you are” and walk away or ignore you for the rest of the flight.
- “You shouldn’t have to lift your bag.” “Good. I want you to carry it for me throughout the remaining duration of my trip.”
- “You wouldn’t believe what I had to trade for this seat next to you.” Your dignity — for using that line?
- “What are you watching?” “You acting like a total jerk” or “I do not know — I am trying to figure that out for myself” as the other person refers to you without even so much as looking at you.
- “Could we even fit in the bathroom?” If a hand suddenly whacks you across your face after using that line, don’t complain — you deserved it.
- During turbulence: “Don’t worry, I’ll hold you.” “I would first fly around the aircraft like a missile and suffer broken bones before that ever happened, you creep.”
- “I won’t mind if you cuddle with me in your sleep.” “Dream on — because your dreams are the only places where we will cuddle while sleeping. Here is an airplane pillow. Cuddle with this.”
- “Want to share my dessert?” “Sure. I would love to eat something which has your spit all over it. Right.”
- “Want to share my Xanax?” “No; but I got some meth. Prescription drugs are sooooo lame.” That is a potential disaster just waiting to happen. I do not even know where to begin with this, as it is arguably the stupidest pick-up line I have ever seen — even if it was meant as an attempt at levity…
- “My TV is broken — care to spare an earbud?” “I am not Vincent Van Gogh, so I do not have an ear to spare — bud.” If it is one of those cheap disposable earbud headphones, simply take a scissor, cut the cord to one of the earbuds, and hand it to the other person. “Keep it.”
- “I get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?” “No — but you can hold my emotional support pig to ease your nerves.” You can also score points with “Want to share my Xanax?” — but I would not recommend that response.
- “Coffee, tea, or me?” Hey, pal — 1954 called and said that it wants that line back.
- On Virgin America’s in-flight chat: “Hey, beautiful” / “Hi, handsome.” What? A pick-up line aboard an airplane operated by Virgin America without using the word virgin? Surely you could be more creative than that?!?
- “I see you ordered the kosher meal; are you single?” “No, but I am Jewish.” What in the world does a Kosher meal have to do with being single? What are you — a Jewish mother trying to impose a guilt trip?!? “Listen: you need to get married, have a few kids — and eat something, for crying out loud!!!”
- “When you sleep, you look like an angel.” “When you are awake, you look like death warmed over. How would you like a one-way ticket to Heaven where you can see all of the angels you want?”
- “If we go down, I’ll save you first.” Um…am I the only one who saw more than one meaning in this loser of a line?
- In the bathroom line: “Please, you go ahead.” Depending on to whom you use that line, the other passengers waiting in line might not appreciate your gallantry. Instead of picking someone up, you will most likely have made a few new enemies — which is not recommended in closed quarters aboard an airplane — and they might even cut in front of you to use the lavatory.
- “Can you keep a secret? I’m packin’.” What the heck is this line supposed to mean?!? You might be lucky if the other person does not send you packin’ first.
- Pilot: “I had to leave the cockpit to say hello.” If you are indeed a pilot, this line might actually work. If you are not a pilot — like this loser, for example — do not get your hopes up.
- “I’m glad I used my miles for first class — you’re worth the upgrade.” “I am sorry I spent several thousand dollars just to sit next to you. What did I do to deserve this?!? I would rather be seated in coach; and I could have saved a ton of money as well…”
- “How did you get through security without setting the sensors off?” “How did you get through security at all?!?”
- “Can I show you around when we land?” This line could work if you have gained trust from that person; if you are in the know about where to go at your final destination; and if you both have time.
- “I have a car picking me up — need a lift?” Actually, this is a potentially good line. You are offering convenience, efficiency and possibly saving money to the other person — as long as the other person does not think you are attempting to kidnap him or her…
- “I don’t believe in sex before monogamy, but I do believe in kissing under your blanket.” “Good — here is the blanket. Kiss away under it to your heart’s content. Meanwhile, leave me alone — and keep the blanket, you disgusting pig.” Why not just outright ask the other person to join you in the “Mile High Club”?
I was left wondering if that article was actually valid, as I just could not take it seriously — which is why I decided to have some fun with it.
However, I do have a few lines which might — I repeat, might — actually work; but please do not hold me to them:
- “Do you live in New York?” Use this line for either the origination or destination — and of course replace New York with the actual origination or destination. This always works, by my experience — both with me and the other person — as it opens up the conversation to further discussion as to where you are traveling, where you are coming from, or whether you are traveling for business or pleasure.
- “Would you like for me to pass that to the flight attendant for you?” — or simply gesture to do that — when a flight attendant is collecting items after a service and the person is sitting at a seat by the window. You will most likely get a thank you from the other person — and that has worked both ways for me. That simple act — when met with a gesture or utterance of appreciation — can open the door to further conversation.
- “I am not eating this. Would you like to have it?” Ensure that the food you want to give away has not been touched by you — unlike the aforementioned lines of sharing the dessert or Xanax. My experience is that this line more often than not get a yes or a no; and I do not mind when someone uses it on me — especially if it is untouched food which I enjoy eating.
- “I read that book last week.” Comment on something to which you can relate with an experience or a similarity, as it is usually easy to converse with another person when you both have something in common.
- “How do you like that? I was thinking about getting one myself.” Ask about something which you are interested that the other person has or is using — such as lip balm, an article of clothing, or a gadget.
- “That is the Brooklyn Bridge over there; and that is the Empire State building over there, if you are interested.” This especially works when the person is craning his or her neck with a curious expression on his or her face while looking out the window. More often than not, that person will marvel at your knowledge and sense of geography — especially when it registers that you are indeed correct. However, know your audience: if the person appears disinterested after a while, stop; and if the person continues to be interested, offer to show him or her around if you have the time — or at least give information that that person can use.
- “I know some of the language which can help you when we land at our destination.” I have mentioned multiple times in the past about how learning even only a few words of the native language of your final destination can help improve your trip immensely. Why not offer that same courtesy to the other person? He or she just might appreciate your offer.
- “Do you want to share a cab?” This line does not quite have the potential kidnapping danger that line number 24 above might have; and both of you could save money in the process — especially if you are both headed in the same direction.
- “I do not like to eat alone. Would you like to join me for dinner?” I personally most likely would not take the offer even though I do not like to dine out in a restaurant alone; but hey — it could work for you if both you and the other person want to dine out at a restaurant but neither of you wants to do it alone…
- “I have more miles and points than I could ever use. Want to take a trip with me one day?” Please accept my apologies, as this cheesy line really belongs up in the other list as line number 26 — unless you are a Canadian whose name is Jordan Axani. Better yet…
- “Are you a member of any frequent travel loyalty programs? I can help you maximize them.” That is a far more benign offer. It shows that you are helpful, knowledgeable, and can potentially benefit the other person.
- “Are you a member of FlyerTalk or Milepoint?” Enough said.
Pick-up lines do not necessarily need to be used to find a significant other or a romantic partner; they could also be used to simply gain a new friend…
…but also keep in mind that they will not always work — no matter how good they may seem to be to you. I am one of those people who usually does not like to be disturbed by fellow passengers; but there have been a number of passengers who have successfully penetrated — I probably should not use that word here, come to think of it — my “wall.”
Are there any pick-up lines which either you have used — or have been used on you? What are your experiences?
Hey…those questions could themselves be pick-up lines…
