You may as well put a pastrami sandwich on white bread slathered with mayonnaise in front of me with a glass of milk to wash it down — or commit the blasphemy of eating a slice a pizza with a knife and fork.
Any self-respecting bagel aficionado would know not to desecrate a bagel by slicing it like this…
Bagels are Not Supposed to Be Sliced Like This.
…but seriously?
this is anti-Semitism
— Gus Kenworthy (@guskenworthy) March 27, 2019
“Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit!“ is what Alek Krautmann posted to his Twitter account.
I would have preferred that he kept it a secret.
or, alternatively, overly enthusiastic circumcision!
— David H Yale (@David79Yale) March 27, 2019
Sure, slicing bagels as though they were loaves of bread can be a solution to feeding multiple people when one does not have enough whole bagels — and it may be a great way for different people to try different types of bagels without ascribing to the unwritten law of “you touch it, you own it”…
This isn’t a hit. This is “Hey let me find the worst and cheapest way to feed 25 people with 12 bagels!”
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) March 27, 2019
…but this controversial “secret” has caused an uproar over the Internet — and rightfully so, in my opinion — but many people would argue that one would need to arch over backwards in order to find an authentic bagel in Saint Louis.
Pity those poor imitation bagels which were subject to such an abomination.
What is next — ordering doughnuts bread sliced?!?
Summary
Go ahead and eat your bagels any way you like, Alek Krautmann…
…but if you want a true bagel experience, come to New York and have one fresh and hot — without slicing it; and without “accessorizing” it with condiments, toppings or fillings.
Better yet, you might want to try a bialy, which would be a little more difficult to slice like bread.
Also, Alek Krautmann, if you want to know how — and, more importantly, how not — to eat an authentic New York pizza, just take a look at this hilarious video from Jon Stewart when he still hosted The Daily Show in 2011:
…and as for the person who sent to me this information — well…you knew that this born-and-bred-but-not-bread-sliced Brooklynite would react adversely once I found out about it; and that delightfully evil smile is probably stretched across your face as you read this article…
A real New York bagel. Yum. All photographs ©2012 and ©2017 by Brian Cohen.
