I Want In on This Resort Fee Nonsense: Open My Own Resort
L et’s face it: hotel and resort properties would not be charging resort fees if people were not paying for them, right? They certainly would not go through the trouble if it were not lucrative, I would think. Resort fees do not seem to be going away soon. If you cannot beat ’em, join ’em — right?
I Want In on This Resort Fee Nonsense: Open My Own Resort
I was thinking about taking the millions of dollars I profit every week from this weblog and pouring it into building my own resort property. It will be on some remote island in the Arctic Ocean — I was going to find one in the Antarctic Ocean; but all I could find was the Southern Ocean — and I will have to do the fowl task of replacing the penguins with puffins.
Resort Fee Resort Resort — A Resort is what I will call it.
An Example of Valuable Items Included in Resort Fees
complimentary local, 1-800 and International calls (up to 60 minutes) per day,
discounted beach activities,
local newspaper (Monday-Friday) pick up at the front desk,
complimentary incoming faxes,
Health Club access,
resort cultural activities (lei making, hula, ukulele, guided cultural tour) Twilight Ceremony (Monday and Tuesday), Aquaponics Fish Feeding, Hula Show at the Beach Mound,
Reusable Hyatt tote,
guest request texting,
access to beach amenities (beach chairs and towels)
Some of the Items I Intend to Add for My Resort
I can easily offer those aforementioned amenities at Resort Fee Resort Resort — A Resort; but I am willing to offer a whole lot more. Let’s see some second-rate resort top all of the amenities, features and services I would offer — all of which would normally cost an extra charge — for the low low room rate of only $18.99 per night, which does not include the resort fee of only $1,313.13 per day plus taxes and fees:
Incoming telegrams and telegraph messages in Morse code
Unlimited use of a manual typewriter in our business center — carbon paper is available for copies at an extra charge per piece
Free 15 minute usage of radio, television, 8-track tape player, telephone book and Bible in your desk drawer per day — additional usage available at a significant discount
Complimentary unlimited advertisements and other unwanted reading material to clutter your room
Valuable coupons for use at local retail establishments which offer such useful products and services as video rentals, film processing and the sale of sets of encyclopedias
Unlimited use of furniture and closet to store your belongings for the entire duration of your stay
Access to on-site restaurants — food and beverages are available at an additional cost
Complimentary plumbed water for the sink, shower, toilet and sprinkler system — up to two gallons per day, even in an emergency
Free unlimited viewing of room map in case of fire or other emergency — access to emergency exit is available at an extra charge to be determined by us at the time in the event of an actual emergency
No extra charge for the fingerprints, lipstick prints and other anomalies you might find on the drinking glasses in your room
Complimentary use of towels — no extra charge for any amounts of hair from unknown sources embedded in the towels which you find; but extra towels are available at a discounted nominal additional charge
Complimentary use of lighting already equipped in the room for your convenience
Unlimited use of bedding, which includes sheets, pillows and a blanket — bed bugs are readily available at an extra cost
Opaque solid door to room included to ensure privacy — and use of locks on the door are included as well for your security; and as an added bonus, you will not have to pay a single penny extra for the walls, ceiling and floor which comprise your room except for the grout fee and caulk fee in the toilet room
Reusable plastic bag which was the vehicle used to protect your newspaper and hang it on the outside of your door
Complimentary use of mirrors in the room — although upon reflection, that might incur an additional fee in the future
Complimentary use of wastebasket for included removal of any refuse from your room
Complimentary viewing of outside from the convenience of the window equipped with your room
Writing instrument and paper — limit one of each per stay
Complimentary use of walkways on grounds for your walking pleasure — just bypass the toll gates
Complimentary daylight after nighttime concludes
Complimentary unlimited amounts of air for your breathing pleasure — heating and cooling of said air available for a modest fee
Taxes and Fees
Let’s see…levying a tax of ten percent on the resort fee would be an additional $131.31 per day — but I should tax the tax; so that adds another $13.13 per day…
…and a tax upon the tax on the tax is another $1.31 per day; plus the tax upon that tax of the tax upon the tax is 13 cents per day. Why stop there? I will add another tax upon the tax upon the tax upon the tax upon the tax of one cent per day.
I am still debating on whether or not to charge a fee for calculating all of those taxes. As of now, the room rate at my resort property will still be only $18.99 per night — not including mandatory resort fees…
…and I do not intend to add up all of the resort fees and taxes added per night to the room rate, which would total $1,459.02; and when added to the room rate would be a grand total of $1,846.35 — but let this be our little secret. I do not want any of my valued guests to know what they will actually be paying per night for staying at my resort.
What? My math is off, you say? The total should actually be $1,478.01?!? Shh…that was on purpose. I do not have time to do complex mathematical calculations…although I could add another fee on top of that to compensate me handsomely for my time and effort. I might call it a carrier-imposed fee — just because…
“I love the free incoming faxes”, Mark Beattie wrote sarcastically in his aforementioned article. “Don’t remember the last time I sent a fax. The free phone calls is useful, but I tend not to spend my holidays making phone calls. And wow, I can use the safe in the room without charge.”
This spoof on resort fees is to show how absolutely ridiculous this phenomenon on the lodging industry within North America has become — if it is not already obvious.