I received what could be interpreted as a voice message through my telephone and listened to it, pertaining to an enforcement action executed by the United States Treasury due to some federal criminal offense which I apparently committed; and the voice message was by someone with a thick accent named Steve Madden.
Steve Madden? The shoe guy?!?
What Offense Did I Commit Exactly?
I must be some heel with no sole not to remember being laced with some substance when I committed this heinous crime. Aglet this go unanswered; but I was nervous at the tongue-lashing I might receive from some magistrate judge if I did not take the step towards resolving this issue with which I do not recall being involved — thanks to the warning from my new friend Steve Madden with the thick accent who decided to shoe me the way to righteousness.
Perhaps I committed this offense on my trip to Washington, D.C. last month when I posed as a poor impersonation of Elton John in the photograph you see at the top of this article — along with Jeff of Indulge the Wanderlust; Keri Anderson of Heels First Travel; and Ric Garrido of Loyalty Traveler — after attending the Elliot Root and Neon Trees concert at the Washington Hilton. That must be it. Doing that should be more than enough to get me in trouble with the United States Treasury. After all, I was close enough to it at the time.
Could the infraction be a result of when I imparted advice on how to detect whether or not an e-mail message is “spam”?
Maybe it is the horrendous pink color I used for the subheadings in this article?
The Actual Voice Message
Anyway, here is the message in its entirety:
I searched the telephone number and quickly realized that other people have received this voice message as well.
Time to Respond
This scam was so blatantly obvious that I decided to have some fun with this nutcase; so I returned his call using a fictitious telephone number which cannot be traced back to me.
The telephone rang at least six times before a person answered. I suppose that emulates a government office fairly accurately.
“Hello?”
Wow — what are the chances of calling back a huge government agency and getting a person who sounded exactly like the one who left the voice message? And who does not identify himself or the government agency for whom he works?
“Yes,” I said. “I received a telephone call with some notice about an enforcement action executed by the United States Treasury.”
He hesitated before responding “Yes…may I please have your telephone number?”
I gave him a fictitious telephone number; and I repeated it several times.
“Can you repeat that number?”
“I already told it to you several times. How about you repeat it back to me?”
He repeated the telephone number.
“That is it,” I replied.
“Hold on…”
A few minutes elapsed.
“Are you (weird sounding name redacted in case it was a real name)?
“Yes.”
“Have you received form number (I could not understand this part) from the IRS?”
“Not yet. Your message is the first I have heard of this issue.”
He paused for a moment.
“How are you?” he asked in a jumbled tone which sounded more like “heryu”.
“What?”
“How are you?” he asked again.
“Fine. How are you?”
I was suddenly disconnected from him.
Summary
If you do not see any more articles posted by me here at The Gate, it is because I am now sitting in fear, awaiting federal marshals to come storming down my door at any moment and take me away at gunpoint where I can be sent to a maximum security prison to serve hard time…
