H ow would you like a lightweight gadget which is waterproof, shatterproof, will not bend, virtually free of maintenance, and is purportedly “toilet bowl resistant” whenever you travel?
If you had replied “yes” to all of the above features, you are in luck, my friends. A new product which is so technologically advanced that it boggles the mind — well, it boggles my mind, anyway — has a high probability of being released in the near future.
Folks, this revolutionary product is called the NoPhone. Successfully funded through Kickstarter by significantly greater than three times its original goal of $5,000.00 to be raised by no fewer than 915 people who are willing to back this product, the “new and unimproved” NoPhone is unlike any other mobile telephone you have ever seen.
The following is a partial list of notable features for this product:
It has no battery.
It has no camera.
It has no screen.
It has no processor.
It uses no operating system.
It cannot connect to the Internet.
It has no wires to break or loosen from their connections.
You cannot place or receive telephone calls.
It does share similarities with more tradition mobile telephones, however — such as:
You cannot prepare a complete meal with it
You will not be able to dress an elephant in a tuxedo while it balances itself on one foot with it
It will not revive the dinosaurs or Pan Am World Airways from extinction — no matter how many times those feats are attempted
It sadly will not completely cure any living being of any disease
Its use will not lead to true world peace and complete harmony amongst human beings
Here is part of the marketing copy for this amazing product:
Phone addiction is real. And it’s everywhere. It’s ruining your dates. It’s distracting you at concerts. It’s disrupting you in movie theaters. It’s clogging up sidewalks. Now, there is a real solution.
Introducing the NoPhone, a technology-free alternative to constant hand-to-phone contact.
With a thin, light and completely wireless design, the NoPhone acts as a surrogate to any smart mobile device, enabling you to always have a rectangle of smooth, cold plastic to clutch without forgoing any potential engagement with your direct environment. Never again experience the unsettling feeling of flesh on flesh when closing your hand.
The NoPhone is a technology-free alternative to constant hand-to-phone contact that allows you to stay connected with the real world.
With NoPhone, never again be bothered by telemarketers. Do not worry about an important meeting being interrupted. There are no concerns about forgetting to set this device to Airplane Mode, as it is completely compliant with all regulations of commercial air travel. If you really feel like having fun, use it to befuddle agents of the Transportation Security Administration with it at an airport security checkpoint — similarly to the way Brian Schmidt did with a Nobel Prize medal which he won — for some guaranteed laughs and a possible detention for an undetermined period of time if you are truly successful.
In all seriousness, one thing which I did notice no matter where I went on my unintentional trip around the world — whether in Seoul, Amsterdam, New York, Dublin, Shanghai, Rome, Los Angeles, Manila, Budapest or Atlanta; and whether traveling in subways, staying at hotel properties, dining in restaurants, or walking unaware on a sidewalk — many people were buried in their portable electronic devices, doing such activities as talking on telephone calls, “texting” or playing games.
If I did not know any better and I came straight from 50 years ago, I would think that some alien life forms disguised as little thin rectangular boxes arrived on our planet, cast human beings under their powerful spell and permanently enslaved them to do their bidding while they constantly bow to the likes of Samsung and Apple. As an observer, it really looked that bad at times…
…but as for the NoPhone: I think I would rather have potato salad…